I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
