You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
