He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
