I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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