Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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