In America we eat man semen.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
