cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
