Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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