All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
