i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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