Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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