All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
