come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
