If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We left the knife in your bed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
