good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
