You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My ATM looks so different sober.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize