Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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