Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
