you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
