he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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