I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
