Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
