you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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