we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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