There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
