I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
