these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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