I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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