Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
