I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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