I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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