I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
