I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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