i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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