the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
