I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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