he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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