is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
