Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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