My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
