apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
