if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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