awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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