The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize