Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I see more hoeing in ur future
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