soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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