i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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