I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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