I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We need to get me chipped asap
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
