fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
