I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We have started to decorate penises.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
