my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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