i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
