It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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