Jerry, you need to find god
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
