I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
