My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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