i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
