So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
