Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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